05Feb / 2014

Men I Have Known: Chapter 3

Only later would my butt become pinchable…

Some of the most meaningful men in my life have been those I haven’t really known at all. This was especially true in the beginning, when I was first trying out in public my girlish persona. They validated me, and for that, I salute them – all those anonymous men whose lust I awakened! Which in turn awakened my slut within.

The proverbial construction workers who whistled and yelled “Hey, Baby!” Real girls sometimes complain (disingenuously?) about this kind of “unwanted” attention; for girls like me, it provides an incredible rush of badly needed self-confidence.

The timid man — tall, dark and handsome – whom I caught staring at my jean-encased butt as I stood in line for a café latte. Blushing, he quickly snapped his head away. As a man myself, I had done that cowardly maneuver too! So I sent him a lifeline by smiling and saying, “Hi!”

“Hi,” another man says as I’m strolling in a city park. It’s the first time I’m venturing out wearing such a short, snug skirt! I smile, so he follows me and stands by my side as I stop to read a historical marker. He starts talking about the history that happened here; I’m so nervous, I don’t pay attention to the content of his words. He can tell, so he says: “Don’t worry, I’m married, a faithful husband.” Turns out he’s a real estate broker and has a $500,000 house in the neighborhood that would be “perfect” for “a young career girl” like me. A rich bitch, is that what I look like? I don’t mind. Or is it all just a ploy: to take me on a tour of the empty house and then fuck me there? That, I would not have minded either!

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21Jan / 2014

Modeling School: More Important in “Transitioning” Than Estrogen Therapy!

Courage = Grace Under Pressure…thanks to Jimmy Choo….

“Within five seconds of meeting someone, either in business, at school, or socially, you make a critical first impression. That impression is made up of the following:

55% Appearance.

38% How You Sound.

7% What You Say.

Our modeling school has recognized the importance of a first, and last impression, for 60 years…teaching self-development (finishing) and fashion modeling.

14-week course: Visual Pose/Graceful Movements, Beautyworks. Wardrobe and Fashion. Social Graces/Communications.”

The best $1,525 I ever spent!

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19Jan / 2014

Even if it can’t buy Love, Money sure helps with Beauty!

The black hat I wear when cleaning out my desk…can’t afford to be sentimental!

Rhinoplasty $4,500

Lip Lift $2,000

Corner Mouth Lift w/ extension $1,500

Tracheal (Adam’s Apple) Shave $500

Cheek Implants $3,200

Just uncovered these old bills in all my clutter. Before I toss in the round file, I thought I’d share. BTW, I got a big discount for doing all the procedures pretty much at the same time!

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14Jan / 2014

Remembrance of Pain Past….

“I really like your scent,” volunteered the woman standing next to me waiting in line at the ATM machine. “May I ask what it is?”

Before I could answer “L’air du Temps,” my mind churned with possible implications. Was she sincere? Or did she suspect something? Her seemingly innocent question simply bait, to catch me, the pretender, the ersatz female, the alien in society’s midst? And my still masculine voice would unmask me?

I smiled, whispered “thank you,” opened my handbag, lifted out the perfume bottle, and smiled again. Show and tell. Or show and not tell.

It’s hard now to really remember, much less communicate, all the little, terror-inducing episodes like this when I first came out as a woman, trying to “pass” and not get “read.” When I did pass, it was exhilarating, the equivalent of getting straight A’s in school, winning the lottery, coming in first in a talent contest, getting the promotion plus huge salary increase, all rolled into one. But the times I failed were worst than F’s; I remember them still as if a recurring nightmare.

Children and drunks: those were the worst. Those are the ones any new Tgirl has to watch out for. They never mince words, never afraid to report, often loudly, what they see — making even the most casual stroll down the street turn into terror. “Look, it’s a man!”

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10Jan / 2014

Men I Have Known: Chapter 2

Shaping more than my brows….

My very first lover, he was the most judgmental.

It started with my hair. Too short, he said.

Then my brows. Untamed, too bushy, he said.

My chest, too flat, of course – he didn’t have to tell me.

Finally…finally…I became what he desired.

And then I killed him.

Sometimes now, in my vanity mirror, I can see his stare still, for his eyes belong to me, you see. The “he” was once me. It was he who shaped me…and not just my brows!

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04Aug / 2013

Poetry

Validation!

Wittgenstein’s Penis

There always comes the moment inevitable

As sunrise, unpredictable as the weather,

Partly cloudy and so suggestively hidden or maybe

Clear and bold and brazen and burning bright,

When up your skirt his hand

Slips, sticks, jabs, gropes, fumbles, feels

Around and around, higher, ever higher.

What’s a girl to do? Nothing,

Relax and enjoy it, or disentangle

From his embrace but ever so

Gently, naughtily, so he’ll do it again.

Does it matter what you have on?

Absolutely! Silly

Girl, encased in Wolford’s pantyhose enhanced

With a silk-lined Chanel skirt accentuating his

Rough, crude, muscular, callused hand, the awkward

Touch of his desire.

Prove you’re a woman, his hand demands.

He is, most men are, empiricist, logical

Positivist, penis philosopher, meaning

The only truth that can be known,

Tautological, a woman is that which embodies

Womanliness, softness that makes him hard.

The verity of materialism: nothing’s real,

Not even a pussy pudendum, unless

Unless

You can touch it. Finger it,

Feeling the touch of it, like

Shopping for lingerie. Never

Would I buy some underthingie without

First running it through my fingers, feeling,

Imagining the feeling, what he must feel,

The touch of a man’s hand with me in it.

A thong is a thing, and a cute thing is I in a thong.

Men want me to be their thing, to do their thing.

Yes, I’m a material girl, and I’ll open my legs,

Not, but my purse, to prove it.

See, silly man, there’s my Victoria’s Secret

Credit card, expiration 11/15, making me

An Angel, a card-carrying cunt.

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02Aug / 2013

“Passing” Pains

Should one go shopping dressed like this?

In a remembrance I just wrote of my very first week living “full-time,” I found myself recalling how happy and thrilling it was:

http://www.wattpad.com/22008442-mermaid-me-chapter-4-24-7-my-first-week-as-a-woman#.UfrAKo3I1Lc

But that’s not the whole story, I now realize. Memories are tricky, and it’s easier not to recall the pain.

Especially painful was the ridicule I risked whenever I was caught not “passing” as a real woman. By the time I started living “full-time,” I had enough practice — not to mention invaluable coaching from both T- and Genetic-Girl enablers! — to fool just about anybody. But, before that, I had my share of mortifying missteps.

The worst were around children, running in packs: “Look! It’s a man! A man dressed up like a woman!”

Children, not yet “civilized,” say exactly what they think. So the horrible conclusion — which, thankfully, I didn’t draw at the time — is that a lot of adults must have “read” me, too. They were simply too polite to say or do anything but ignore me.

But now that I know I pass I never want to be ignored — and dress accordingly!

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23Jul / 2013

Decisions, Decisions….

Am I doing this right? Posing for a camera is harder than you think!

Am I doing this right? Posing for the camera is harder than you think!

Do I dare? Go topless, that is. It’s commonplace — going topless — at beaches and spas around Europe. But, still, I worry and wonder.

Most men couldn’t tell — and wouldn’t care if they could — but I know most women could spot right away that I’ve had implants. “Not real,” their eyes would say. And if my boobs aren’t real, what else about me is not real, too?

I’m inviting needless scrutiny.

And then there’s this: I think tan lines from a bikini top are incredibly sexy. Don’t you?

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24Jun / 2013

Before and After

Before Hormones

After Hormones, But Before Implants

These pictures were in one of my Facebook Photo Albums — until yesterday! — when Facebook suggested I delete the image showing the breasts I had grown. Within the context of the truly obscene images often floating around Facebook, my picture seems more appropriate to a medical textbook or an art studio.

Apparently just one person filed a complaining report. Who is this unnamed person? This anonymous accuser? Was she truly offended by the image — or just doesn’t like me?

What ax is she grinding? What hidden agenda? I will never know.

I just assume the complainer is a woman or another Tgirl, don’t you agree?

The poor women accused of witchcraft not so many centuries ago — I now have an inkling of how they must have felt. To be banished or burnt at the stake — simply on the word of another woman.

Anyway, that’s quite enough woe-is-me whining….

The before-and-after pictures demonstrate the effects — after almost two years’ treatment — of estrogen transdermal patch and oral finasteride.

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21Jun / 2013

Counter-intuitive: Go Bulky to be Girly

Never too many or too bulky when it comes to bracelets and rings!

Young would-be Tgirls ask my advice all the time. I’m happy to help. It makes me feel good…except it also makes me feel old!

Often the questions are all about “passing.” These questioners generally look like drag queens. What gives them away, paradoxically, are their attempts to be ultra-femme.

But the sad fact is that dainty jewelry and long hair, for example, just accentuate the masculine. The contrast is too sharp — drawing attention to rugged hands, thick neck, or whatever the very traits you’re trying so hard (too hard!) to disguise.

Only now, after countless facial feminization procedures, do I even dare to wear my hair long. But there’s nothing I can do, alas, about my unfortunate hands, so lots of clunky bracelets and rings remain my preferred adornment.

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Tgirl Confidential

Tag Archives: transsexual transition

Men I Have Known: Chapter 3

Modeling School: More Important in “Transitioning” Than Estrogen Therapy!

Even if it can’t buy Love, Money sure helps with Beauty!

Remembrance of Pain Past….

Men I Have Known: Chapter 2

Poetry

Wittgenstein’s Penis

“Passing” Pains

Decisions, Decisions….

Before and After

Counter-intuitive: Go Bulky to be Girly

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